Hooking up with a Russian woman called Yana in Thailand in 2011 didn’t give me any hints about my sexual orientation, because feeling a little wild and being somewhat flamboyant is acceptable in my immediate community.
I was a heterosexual woman who would occasionally get so drunk I would hook up with women when it seemed appropriate. Or maybe I was blind enough to ignore the room.
I ignored every single kiss, make out, touch....Nothing hinted at my sexuality. I was a heterosexual woman who found women beautiful.
I was a heterosexual woman who found women beautiful.
To muddy the water further, while growing up in Russia, I would occasionally declare that ‘everyone is gay’, further explaining that the only reason men are with women and women with men is because we have rigid social rules. Once removed, everyone would be utterly fluid and ignore genders and sexes entirely, finding themselves head over heels in love with humans.
It’s all very confusing when there isn’t enough nurturing and safe soil to explore, make mistakes, ask questions and experiment. Learning about yourself is often a challenging task. Adding a conservative and homophobic social setting to the exploration of self wasn’t making my experiences any easier.
I felt under the protection of the straight world, which dictates that women-making-out-with-women-in-night-clubs is hot and, thus, accepted. And while everyone in the know complimented me on the exciting experience, I was left alone grappling with the understanding of what it all meant, especially once I had a word. Bisexual.
I felt under the protection of the straight world, which dictates that women-making-out-with-women-in-night-clubs is hot and, thus, accepted.
This word bisexual threatened my existence. Suddenly, I no longer felt under the protection of the straight community. Suddenly, I wasn't straight.
There are some bisexual people who feel safe within their hetero-looking relationships. Some have room in the unions to explore (often with a set of rules) their sexuality albeit behind closed doors and away from their community, whereas others don’t have such opportunities
It's scary enough to be different and not entirely accepted by both straight and gay communities.
Realising our own oppression and embodied bigotry is often almost impossible. There are many loving relationships between heterosexuals and bisexuals. I have encountered many bisexual women who seek their straight male partner’s permission to be self. They don't always use such words. What I hear a lot around me is that women are ‘allowed to play with other women’ or ‘women are encouraged to try new things’ with a number of rules and regulations in tow.
I have encountered many bisexual women who seek their straight male partner’s permission to be self. They don't always use such words.
Those are the words of many women I have spoken with over my last few years of becoming more active in the bi+ community. With the help of social media and dating apps, I have had the privilege of speaking with people in Europe, USA, Australia, Russia and many more places on Earth, sharing stories and experiences.
Bisexuality cannot exist in the vacuum. Our sexuality intersects with many other areas of life. I believe it’s important to remember that our ideas of bisexuality don’t form on their own, they are influenced by our culture, upbringing, religious and political beliefs, mental health, socio-economic status, etc.
I acknowledge my privilege as a White, cis-woman, and the lens through which I see the world as a childhood trauma survivor, along with my family’s socio-economic status, which gave me education and access to tools and resources many do not have.
When I first learned about bisexuality, I chose to continue hiding my true self until such time when I felt safe in my skin to wear this identity with everything it was going to bring into my life. This new connection was still weak and fresh, it needed time to strengthen and take hold in my mind. My life started to feel more meaningful, not only because sexuality is such an important part of self, but because giving one part voice and permission to be unlocks many others.
This is an edited extract from, written by Anna Kochetkova.
Source: Supplied
