Justin Harwood, 39, spent much of his adult life taking extreme lengths to avoid being seen in public. But after a health scare prompted him to start taking care of himself physically, he discovered that mental benefits were an added bonus.
I live an hour's train ride from my office in Sydney and up until two years ago, I would leave home three or four hours earlier than necessary and work back late to avoid catching the train at peak hour.
I was very overweight and hated the way people avoided sitting next to me. I'd been on full trains with an empty seat next to me but people would choose to stand – it was like I disgusted them and I wondered if I smelt. It made me feel ashamed of who I was and what I had become, and it just became easier for me to catch a train when few other people were on it.
For as long as I can remember, I've felt fearful of people. There have been times when I couldn't leave the house for days – I create the façade that I'm busy or have other things to do, but in reality, it's like I'm in my own jail cell, too frightened to leave the house.
I've missed out on jobs and doing things that I would enjoy because I'm scared of what people will say or think, and then I get agitated with myself because I'm not doing things I could or should be doing.
I started going to a 24-hour gym at 1am or 3am so that there wouldn't be other people around
Two years ago I was hospitalised after a heart scare and was diagnosed with diabetes and high blood pressure. One doctor told me I would die if I didn't lose weight and start looking after myself – those words frightened me so I started going to a 24-hour gym at 1am or 3am so that there wouldn't be other people around.
My mum recommended her personal training studio, Vision PT. I would walk past and look in but get scared of all the people in there, so I'd walk away. But 18 months ago I worked up the courage to fill in an online contact form. I deliberately missed their first phone call to me and it took me an hour to call them back and make an appointment. I almost walked out when I arrived but I knew I had to do something or I wouldn't survive, so forced myself to go in.
My boss was really flexible so let me schedule my sessions for 10am when there was hardly anybody else there. Slowly I learnt how to adapt my diet and move my body and lost 30kg. And as I got better physically, my mental state changed – I needed to change from the outside in. In the process, I've gained a lot of insights about my mental health. I started running and did a half marathon and found that hitting physical walls and pushing through helped me feel like a stronger person.
The biggest danger [with social anxiety] is alienating yourself. When I first joined the gym I wouldn't speak to anybody but over time I built some great friendships – I think picking people on a similar path helps build the bond. We want each other to succeed and will say, 'We're worried about you, can we help?' I've also got some close friends at work who I talk to if I'm struggling and they're very good at adding perspective and challenging my perceptions.
I have the confidence to catch the train at peak hour, which has been great because I now have more time in my day, since I'm not at work so much or commuting so early or late
Now I have the confidence to catch the train at peak hour, which has been great because I now have more time in my day, since I'm not at work so much or commuting so early or late. It gives me more time to exercise, prepare healthy food or even just watch TV.
That said, one of the surprising challenges that's come with losing weight is that people start to notice you. After so long being ignored, living on the outside like a ghost, to have people notice me on the train and talk directly to me, really made me freak out.
My mental issues are still here – they're just not as prolific. I've still got a lot of walls to break down. The aim for me now is that rather than being floored for a week, if I can get to the point where I'm out for just one day, that's 2000 per cent better for me.
I feel like I've wasted 20 years of my life for food and staying inside – I need to make sure that I don't waste the next 20 years. I'm planning my 40th birthday party for later in the year, which will be my first birthday celebration since I was 21. About 70 people are coming, which goes to show how many people's lives you can touch over the years. I feel like there is a lot to celebrate.
As told to Kimberly Gillan.
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The new SBS series 'How 'Mad' Are You?' takes a unique look at mental health. It will be broadcast on SBS on October 11 at 8:30pm on SBS.
