I recall clearly thinking to myself on my 21st birthday that if 21 feels like this, I can’t wait to be 30. Then on my 30th birthday, I wondered what it would be like when I’m 40 and 50.
Even back then, I intuitively knew that I would get better with age. At 56, I know this to be true as I look forward with excitement to turning 60.
I know that my attitude may seem foreign to many, but I grew up in a culture that reveres the ageing process. I’ve never felt any negative emotions about growing older.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking forward to the health issues that come with age, but this just inspires me to make health, fitness and nutrition a priority.
Faith Agugu pictured at the beach.
My mother was 45 when my father left us to move back to Africa. I was 16 and I had no idea that my mother was just about to plummet into her midlife crisis. For the next five years, my mother struggled to feed four children and pay the mortgage.
Those years were hard. My mother always seemed so tired. She worked all night and then came home to take care of our needs.
My mother’s midlife crisis had nothing to do with ageing but was more about her changed circumstances.
My mother began to blossom in her early 50s and reached her prime in her 60s and 70s. She travelled to many places including the USA, Egypt and Israel. She studied for the first time and entered a new relationship.
I believe that there is so much negativity associated with ageing in Western society because in most cases a woman's worth is focused on youthfulness and fertility.
My mother got to define herself outside the construct of mother and wife. Watching her blossom and thrive in midlife really inspired me.
So I was surprised by the women I met in my psychotherapy practice who’s ‘midlife crisis’ was centered around their fear of ageing. I could see that these women had internalised the negative Western narrative that surrounds women and ageing.
The idea of thriving in midlife was foreign to these women. This is why I was compelled to create Silver Sirens Redefining Ageing as a platform for Western women to re-image, re-create and re-write the negative script that surrounds women and ageing.
I believe that there is so much negativity associated with ageing in Western society because in most cases a woman's worth is focused on youthfulness and fertility.
Women are encouraged to push back the signs of ageing with anti-ageing creams. They attempt to wipe away facial expressions that may give away their age through fillers and surgery, and if that doesn't work some lie about their age.
Research shows that people who have a positive mindset around ageing tend to age better.
I’m often told that I look ‘good for my age’ and I wonder if it is my positive attitude that helped me age well or that because I’m ageing well, is the reason for my positive attitude to getting older? I know my culture plays a huge role in this.
The idea that women become invisible or less relevant when they hit 50 has always intrigued me.
I understand that being overlooked for professional opportunities can be painful and stifling. However the fear that random men no longer notice me, look at me, or find me attractive, is more of a relief than a grievance.
As a woman of colour, I am accustomed to being marginalised. Flying under the radar of the white male gaze I consider to be my superpower, and most black men hold beauty standards that are not focused on age.
Living at the intersection of sexism, racism, and ageism, I’ve found ageism has proved to be the gentler of the three discriminators.
It was Mark Twain who reminded us, “Do not complain about ageing. It is a privilege denied to many”.
A dear friend passed away recently at the age of 49 leaving two loving children and a husband and I felt so sad. My friend’s death also reminded me of the grief I felt when my sister passed away 20 years ago at the age of 41 leaving her husband, 16 year old daughter and 12 year old son.
We can spend so much time lamenting our greying hair, softening belly and wrinkling skin and miss the gifts that are right in front of us, the gift of life, of wisdom borne of lived experiences, and the relationships that have ripened through time.
Death gently brings to mind the preciousness of life and the need to jump right in and live life fully for those who are no longer with us.
I will never forget my friend or my sister. Every time I overcome a challenging situation, I’ll do it for them and all the others who do not have the privilege of ageing.
One of my favourite sayings around women and ageing is this Native American proverb;
When a girl is born she is introduced to her power.
During menstruation she exercises her power.
And at menopause she becomes her power.
As a post menopausal women, this is true for me.
