It took Maria years to accept she was a victim of domestic abuse.
The Argentinian-born migrant lived with her Australian partner for 12 years. It was during this time that the emotional, verbal and financial abuse started.
Her partner never hit her, yet she was constantly worried about the potential psychological damage of this toxic relationship on their children.
One night while having dinner, my daughter grabbed my hand under the table while he insulted me. It was heartbreaking.
It took Maria three years to stop inventing excuses for her partner’s behaviour when, out of desperation, she dialled 1800RESPECT. It was during those calls that she learned there was a name for intimidation and humiliation that became a part of her everyday life.
She learned the meaning behind words: coercive control and gaslighting.
Michal Morris, CEO of InTouch Multicultural Centre Against Family Violence, says that 60 per cent of women who come to their centre are unaware of coercive control and gaslighting, while approximately 70 per cent are unsure about their legal rights.
Maria says that the available support phone lines are helpful as a first step because somebody listens and the feelings are validated.
It’s so painful that you need someone from outside to put in words what you already know, but I was too embarrassed to even admit to myself that I was a victim of abuse.
With two children, no money of her own, and a partner whose controlling abuse was escalating very quickly, Maria says she was too overwhelmed to understand how to navigate the family law system and deal with emotional and financial abuse.
Rejection after rejection
"Surviving domestic violence leaves you emotionally fragile and lonely. It’s hard to make sense of the information and figure out the when, the how, the where and who is going to legally represent you. Unless your partner physically abuses you and police is involved, you feel disoriented, scared and responsible for your children to make a move."
I ended up calling so many services that in the end I didn’t know who I was talking to. It would be great to be directed to a 'one stop shop' and have a customised legal service for victims.
Maria’s first consultation was at a nearby Neighbourhood Centre. After two weeks, she managed to lock in a one-hour free-of-charge appointment with a solicitor.
But on the day her solicitor was late, and Maria was worried because her partner would come searching for her to the centre if she was late.
"When I finally told my story to the solicitor, he said he couldn’t help me because he was a criminal lawyer, not a family law solicitor," she says.
In a long procession from one legal aid service to another, Maria had been going around in circles, trying to find free or affordable legal assistance.
On another occasion, she says she tried the free legal service at a different neighbourhood centre. That day, the solicitor’s laptop battery was flat and didn’t have a power cable. Unable to open Maria’s file, the solicitor conducted the meeting and took notes on a piece of paper.
When they were almost finished, the solicitor realised that the advice was inaccurate because she had assumed Maria was married, when she was actually in a de-facto relationship. The precious time of the free consultation was wasted once again.
Eventually, she applied for a legal aid grant and passed the online means pre-test, which encouraged her to send her application. However, she didn’t pass the 'Means Test'. The fact that she co-owned the disputed former family home (mostly mortgage) made her ineligible for legal aid assistance or representation. Maria had moved out of that house, fearing for her and her children's safety, but that did not make a difference.
says about Australia: 'A particular impediment to women’s access to legal aid relates to the financial criteria for eligibility to legal aid, which often considers overall household income rather than women’s (considerably lower) individual income."
Maria continued looking for available free legal services. Finally, she found one provider that could at least advise on her specific case.
In this case, she was eligible, but the service provider couldn’t help her because there was a conflict of interest. Her ex-partner had found this service before she did, and legal service providers can't advise both parties involved in the same conflict.
Getting in debt to escape from her abusive ex-partner
Maria had no choice but to find a private solicitor.
"Solicitors charge to answer phone calls and reply emails. I was driving back home tired after cleaning for 11.5 hours at a construction site located 1.5 hours away when I realised that the money earned that day would only pay for 30 minutes of my solicitor’s fees, the equivalent of writing an email," she says.
I haven’t even set foot in the court and in the last two and a half years, I’ve spent more than my whole superannuation, and I’m in debt.
Every single communication with the solicitor means money that Maria doesn’t have. Once her solicitor made a mistake and Maria spent the night awake thinking how much money it would cost to pay for the lawyer’s time reading the email, understanding the mistake and fixing it.
"I was frightened to ask if she would charge me for her mistake, but eventually, I plucked the courage and asked. I can't describe the relief I felt when I heard that she wouldn’t. That’s the sort of extreme pressure you go through. People don’t understand unless they experienced it."
Maria's matter is still unsolved, and the debt with the legal firm continues to grow.
Learn more about domestic violence in Australia in SBS’s documentary series See What You Made Me Do. Stream it for free on SBS On Demand with subtitles in , , , , and .
If you, a child, or another person is in immediate danger, call 000
If you, or someone you know, needs assistance, please contact the following organisations:
1800 RESPECT
Telephone: 1800 737 732
Kids HelplineTelephone:
1800 55 1800
Men’s Referral Service
Telephone: 1300 766 491
Lifeline
Telephone: 13 11 14